Man in the Mirror (ENG)

This is an English version of my first post, for all of my foreign friends, colleagues and acquaintances. In the future, I will try and setup the blog to allow tabbing between a Swedish and English version!

The time has come for me to be a bit ideological. 

This is not to say that I haven’t been politically interested before, but I have never been very political myself. I have simply not felt very strongly or passionately about the political parties making up our Riksdag and their ideologies, or harbored any real hope that they would accomplish actual and substantial improvements to society. Also, taking a political or ideological stance is very scary. People who know me would probably describe me as cautious, slightly diplomatic, rarely getting into arguments or getting on people’s bad side. Well as you all probably know, the moment you start talking about politics is the moment that peoples gloves come off. It’s a very touchy subject to say the least, and it rarely if ever, leaves everyone in perfect harmony with one another. So what I am about to tell you scares the crap out of me.

"I see a society that I am not entirely confident letting my child out into. Even more so considering she is a girl."

To this point I’ve lived my life without being very political at all outside of my home. Since the last election in 2010 however, certain things have happened that have changed this for me. Things that have given me a strong urge to become more… well, political. For one thing, I have paid several hundred thousand kronors in tax in the last four years, and to my extreme annoyance and frustration, part of that money has been used to provide 6-700,000 kronor/year salaries and central Stockholm located apartments for people like these. A more important difference is that since 2010 I have brought a child into this world. Suddenly it is more important and urgent for me that certain things change, because I see a society that I am not entirely confident letting my child out into. Even more so considering she is a girl. (Or rather, I think she is a girl. I guess she will tell me for sure once she is old enough to know herself. But that’s for a future topic).

So, let’s cut straight to the chase. Feminism. I don’t know about you, but that word used to have a negative ring to it for me. I was absolutely all for equal rights and against sexism and misogyny, but I told myself (and others) that I didn’t like using the word feminist, because it is all “one-sided” and almost non-equal in itself. Why would something striving for equality be named for only one side of the coin? Also, for some reason that I honestly can’t specify, I had a feeling of being attacked. I was always on my guard, ready to jump to the defense of my main professional passion video games, whenever they were brought into feminist debates. I was stuck in this notion that feminists were angry at all men, and I felt that was unfair, since I myself was obviously a “good guy”. Of course, I never really stopped to ask what the feminists actually wanted, I just raised my shields automatically and somehow I ended up with a sense of the word feminist as something fanatical. I’m sure several of you have similar associations of the word.

Now, in Sweden there is a feminist party called Feministiskt Initiativ (Feminist Initiative, or F!). If you had asked me a year ago which political party I would be least likely to vote for in the coming election, I would obviously have said Sverigedemokraterna. However, my second least likely party to vote for a year ago would be F!. But as it turns out, while I’m not yet fully decided on how to vote this september, F! is now probably my number one choice. (And I definitely plan to vote F! in the election for the European Parliament, because if any country needs feminism more than Sweden, it’s every other country in the world.) With all that I know today, I simply can’t think of anything that would be better for society, than to get the feminist agenda into the parliaments of Sweden and the world. So in a year I’ve gone from “no way” to “hell yes” when it comes to F!. This complete and utter turnaround baffles even myself! How did this happen? Well, it’s been a step by step learning experience, and I guess my hope is to share some of these “steps” with you by means of this blog. 

"Obviously girl infants can’t be nerds the way boy infants can"

In a way, it all started with my daughter. As her parent, I got a look into the life of a female that I had never had before (obviously since I am, in fact, a man). And as any parent, I wanted my child to experience everything great that I myself have experienced. Most of all of course, I wanted her to be able to share my love of games. However, even as an infant, “society” had a clearly indicated path for her and that did not include games. When we wanted to get her a Star Wars themed garment after she was born, we only eventually found one in the boys’ section, because obviously girl infants can’t be nerds the way boy infants can. And from that point on it became increasingly clear to me that I had been, and probably still was, privilieged as a male.

The next big lesson came when our daughter turned 2 years old and we cut her hair. It had grown very long and thick, and it was constantly in the way for her as she played, making her sweaty. It was a very difficult decision to make, which was very educational in a way, because when we boiled it down, we had a number of reasons for cutting it, and the only reason not to cut it was because her long hair was so pretty. As she was 2 and had neither concept of nor need for external affirmation of her appearance, this was a non-argument, and the fact that it was such a hard decision despite this made me start thinking that maybe there are preconceptions that are so deeply rooted in our society and culture that we take them for granted even though they make no real sense.

Even more enlightening was the reaction from everyone else. We were openly or subtly questioned in our decision to cut her hair, to the point where a mother of one of the other children in my daughters daycare group “comforted” me with the fact that “it’ll grow back soon enough”. In addition, since we had tried to keep our daughters clothing fairly unisex, she was now constantly mistaken for a boy. While it was interesting to see that so much of her gender identity (according to others) was in her appearance, the most interesting thing was how differently she was approached when now percieved as a boy, compared to what I had experienced before. She was now given comments related to her manner and personality and described with words like “curious”, “happy”, “playful” and “brave”, when as a girl she was almost exclusively getting comments related to her appearance, and being told how “cute”, “pretty” or occassionally how “kind” she was.

Being a front seat witness to this sharp contrast in how she was addressed really struck a nerve with me, especially as I was certain that none of these persons realized that they were doing anything different and that they definitely meant no harm. But I also understood that it did harm, because as a girl, my daughter will apparently predominately get attention for her appearance, and at this young age it is essentially imprinting in her that appearance is pivotal to the way people percieve her. A very, very unhealthy and unjust truth to live by.

"We can think and act sexist without malice, deliberation or agenda. In fact, we can be sexist without even being aware of it. "

As I said though, none of the reactions were deliberately sexist, and if I were to question anyone of the persons who I felt addressed my daughter differentely purely on the basis of her sex, they would likely not understand why or how I would claim that. This really got me thinking. Because if someone were to ask me at the time whether or not I thought I treated girls and boys differently just on the basis of their sex, I would deny it with the same conviction. This made me open a door inside myself, allowing me to question things that I had taken for granted all my life. The answers that flooded out of that door cemented the most important lesson I've learnt in many years: We can think and act sexist without malice, deliberation or agenda. In fact, we can be sexist without even being aware of it.

There is a name for this phenomenon and it’s the same in both English and Swedish. Norm. It’s the social assumptions that we have inherited from society before us and that we uphold and pass on to society of tomorrow. Many norms are harmless and make sense, but quite a few are remnants from a time much different from our “enlightened” present, that when questioned come across as extremely illogical. They have simply been upheld by the notion of “it’s always been that way” or “that’s what everyone does”. For instance, why are skirts considered a female garment? Why is blue considered a boys color and pink a girls color? Why are 95% of all airline pilots men? Why is feminist a dirty word?

Yes. Feminist. The epithet that makes so many people (especially men) squirm when it is asked of them, including my former self. ”Well, I believe in equal rights for women, but I don’t like calling myself a feminist”. Sound familiar? Society, media or whatever had clearly made me and most everyone else feel that feminist is a word in the same vein as extremist or fundamentalist. But as I started to question my own assumptions, I couldn’t really find a logical answer to why this word should be so loaded. My only actual argument back then was that of the one-sidedness. Again, as egalitarians are so keen to point out: “isn’t it non-equal, in fact even sexist, to name it ‘feminism’ when it should apply to equal rights for all genders and sexual orientations”? Well, it is a valid point I guess, and I can see why I advocated it. 

"When one team has a head start of 976 to 0, it’s not really helping to say 'OK, let’s take turn to score one goal each from now on!'"

Today I can however also see the validity in naming something after its first and major issue to solve. Yes, men can be discriminated against as well, of course, but that’s not the real pressing issue, now is it? Let’s put out the fire before changing the light bulb. I’m sure you’ve heard or maybe spoken the “with feminism you would just get inequality in the opposite direction” argument. Well, as a good friend of mine put it; when one team has a head start of 976 to 0, it’s not really helping to say “OK, let’s take turn to score one goal each from now on”! There is a gap, and we can’t be content with preventing it from growing further. We need to close the gap.

It’s been an educational year for me to say the least. I’ve realized that I have been a part of sustaining a problem that is and has been limiting the daily options and opportunities of everyone around me. Not only women, but men as well, as we also abide by certain norms that are not by any means logical. By not questioning the assumptions on society that I have been shown and told and taught, I have passed on norms and notions that I don’t actually believe in or that I didn’t realize could hurt other people. Because the truth when it comes to hurtful norms is this: if we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem.

"If we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem. "

I am only just starting to learn about these things and you should know that I am no expert on gender studies, feminism, psychology, social or political science. I’m just a father, husband, son and human being who wants equal opportunities for the people I love… and some 7 billion others. Many of my examples are obviously personal experiences and I'm not in any way claiming that the represent some universal truth of society. You can never use personal or individual examples to confirm or deny structures in society. I do however need to use my own experiences to explain why I started to react and think about these issues and how I from there have tried to find concrete and scientific answers.

Luckily I have had access to some wonderful people to help answer all of these questions I’ve started asking, most importantly my wife, who among other things has been a conduit into the latest psychological research and other scientific studies on these matters. I have learnt too much in short time to not want to talk about and share it, and I hope I can inspire at least some of you in this and coming posts, to maybe have a second look at things you’ve assumed your whole life. If you just dare to ask yourself some questions you never thought were relevant or needed asking, you may be surprised at the answers you find.

I used to think feminist was a dirty word. Today it is a title I hope to one day earn.

/Emil

P.S Please let me know of any factual errors in the things I write. My entire motivation for this is based on people being open to change when enlightened, and I certainly want to live as I learn in that regard.