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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Man in the Mirror (ENG)

This is an English version of my first post, for all of my foreign friends, colleagues and acquaintances. In the future, I will try and setup the blog to allow tabbing between a Swedish and English version!

The time has come for me to be a bit ideological. 

This is not to say that I haven’t been politically interested before, but I have never been very political myself. I have simply not felt very strongly or passionately about the political parties making up our Riksdag and their ideologies, or harbored any real hope that they would accomplish actual and substantial improvements to society. Also, taking a political or ideological stance is very scary. People who know me would probably describe me as cautious, slightly diplomatic, rarely getting into arguments or getting on people’s bad side. Well as you all probably know, the moment you start talking about politics is the moment that peoples gloves come off. It’s a very touchy subject to say the least, and it rarely if ever, leaves everyone in perfect harmony with one another. So what I am about to tell you scares the crap out of me.
"I see a society that I am not entirely confident letting my child out into. Even more so considering she is a girl."

To this point I’ve lived my life without being very political at all outside of my home. Since the last election in 2010 however, certain things have happened that have changed this for me. Things that have given me a strong urge to become more… well, political. For one thing, I have paid several hundred thousand kronors in tax in the last four years, and to my extreme annoyance and frustration, part of that money has been used to provide 6-700,000 kronor/year salaries and central Stockholm located apartments for people like these. A more important difference is that since 2010 I have brought a child into this world. Suddenly it is more important and urgent for me that certain things change, because I see a society that I am not entirely confident letting my child out into. Even more so considering she is a girl. (Or rather, I think she is a girl. I guess she will tell me for sure once she is old enough to know herself. But that’s for a future topic).

So, let’s cut straight to the chase. Feminism. I don’t know about you, but that word used to have a negative ring to it for me. I was absolutely all for equal rights and against sexism and misogyny, but I told myself (and others) that I didn’t like using the word feminist, because it is all “one-sided” and almost non-equal in itself. Why would something striving for equality be named for only one side of the coin? Also, for some reason that I honestly can’t specify, I had a feeling of being attacked. I was always on my guard, ready to jump to the defense of my main professional passion video games, whenever they were brought into feminist debates. I was stuck in this notion that feminists were angry at all men, and I felt that was unfair, since I myself was obviously a “good guy”. Of course, I never really stopped to ask what the feminists actually wanted, I just raised my shields automatically and somehow I ended up with a sense of the word feminist as something fanatical. I’m sure several of you have similar associations of the word.

Now, in Sweden there is a feminist party called Feministiskt Initiativ (Feminist Initiative, or F!). If you had asked me a year ago which political party I would be least likely to vote for in the coming election, I would obviously have said Sverigedemokraterna. However, my second least likely party to vote for a year ago would be F!. But as it turns out, while I’m not yet fully decided on how to vote this september, F! is now probably my number one choice. (And I definitely plan to vote F! in the election for the European Parliament, because if any country needs feminism more than Sweden, it’s every other country in the world.) With all that I know today, I simply can’t think of anything that would be better for society, than to get the feminist agenda into the parliaments of Sweden and the world. So in a year I’ve gone from “no way” to “hell yes” when it comes to F!. This complete and utter turnaround baffles even myself! How did this happen? Well, it’s been a step by step learning experience, and I guess my hope is to share some of these “steps” with you by means of this blog. 
"Obviously girl infants can’t be nerds the way boy infants can"
In a way, it all started with my daughter. As her parent, I got a look into the life of a female that I had never had before (obviously since I am, in fact, a man). And as any parent, I wanted my child to experience everything great that I myself have experienced. Most of all of course, I wanted her to be able to share my love of games. However, even as an infant, “society” had a clearly indicated path for her and that did not include games. When we wanted to get her a Star Wars themed garment after she was born, we only eventually found one in the boys’ section, because obviously girl infants can’t be nerds the way boy infants can. And from that point on it became increasingly clear to me that I had been, and probably still was, privilieged as a male.

The next big lesson came when our daughter turned 2 years old and we cut her hair. It had grown very long and thick, and it was constantly in the way for her as she played, making her sweaty. It was a very difficult decision to make, which was very educational in a way, because when we boiled it down, we had a number of reasons for cutting it, and the only reason not to cut it was because her long hair was so pretty. As she was 2 and had neither concept of nor need for external affirmation of her appearance, this was a non-argument, and the fact that it was such a hard decision despite this made me start thinking that maybe there are preconceptions that are so deeply rooted in our society and culture that we take them for granted even though they make no real sense.

Even more enlightening was the reaction from everyone else. We were openly or subtly questioned in our decision to cut her hair, to the point where a mother of one of the other children in my daughters daycare group “comforted” me with the fact that “it’ll grow back soon enough”. In addition, since we had tried to keep our daughters clothing fairly unisex, she was now constantly mistaken for a boy. While it was interesting to see that so much of her gender identity (according to others) was in her appearance, the most interesting thing was how differently she was approached when now percieved as a boy, compared to what I had experienced before. She was now given comments related to her manner and personality and described with words like “curious”, “happy”, “playful” and “brave”, when as a girl she was almost exclusively getting comments related to her appearance, and being told how “cute”, “pretty” or occassionally how “kind” she was.

Being a front seat witness to this sharp contrast in how she was addressed really struck a nerve with me, especially as I was certain that none of these persons realized that they were doing anything different and that they definitely meant no harm. But I also understood that it did harm, because as a girl, my daughter will apparently predominately get attention for her appearance, and at this young age it is essentially imprinting in her that appearance is pivotal to the way people percieve her. A very, very unhealthy and unjust truth to live by.

"We can think and act sexist without malice, deliberation or agenda. In fact, we can be sexist without even being aware of it. "

As I said though, none of the reactions were deliberately sexist, and if I were to question anyone of the persons who I felt addressed my daughter differentely purely on the basis of her sex, they would likely not understand why or how I would claim that. This really got me thinking. Because if someone were to ask me at the time whether or not I thought I treated girls and boys differently just on the basis of their sex, I would deny it with the same conviction. This made me open a door inside myself, allowing me to question things that I had taken for granted all my life. The answers that flooded out of that door cemented the most important lesson I've learnt in many years: We can think and act sexist without malice, deliberation or agenda. In fact, we can be sexist without even being aware of it.


There is a name for this phenomenon and it’s the same in both English and Swedish. Norm. It’s the social assumptions that we have inherited from society before us and that we uphold and pass on to society of tomorrow. Many norms are harmless and make sense, but quite a few are remnants from a time much different from our “enlightened” present, that when questioned come across as extremely illogical. They have simply been upheld by the notion of “it’s always been that way” or “that’s what everyone does”. For instance, why are skirts considered a female garment? Why is blue considered a boys color and pink a girls color? Why are 95% of all airline pilots men? Why is feminist a dirty word?


Yes. Feminist. The epithet that makes so many people (especially men) squirm when it is asked of them, including my former self. ”Well, I believe in equal rights for women, but I don’t like calling myself a feminist”. Sound familiar? Society, media or whatever had clearly made me and most everyone else feel that feminist is a word in the same vein as extremist or fundamentalist. But as I started to question my own assumptions, I couldn’t really find a logical answer to why this word should be so loaded. My only actual argument back then was that of the one-sidedness. Again, as egalitarians are so keen to point out: “isn’t it non-equal, in fact even sexist, to name it ‘feminism’ when it should apply to equal rights for all genders and sexual orientations”? Well, it is a valid point I guess, and I can see why I advocated it. 
"When one team has a head start of 976 to 0, it’s not really helping to say 'OK, let’s take turn to score one goal each from now on!'"
Today I can however also see the validity in naming something after its first and major issue to solve. Yes, men can be discriminated against as well, of course, but that’s not the real pressing issue, now is it? Let’s put out the fire before changing the light bulb. I’m sure you’ve heard or maybe spoken the “with feminism you would just get inequality in the opposite direction” argument. Well, as a good friend of mine put it; when one team has a head start of 976 to 0, it’s not really helping to say “OK, let’s take turn to score one goal each from now on”! There is a gap, and we can’t be content with preventing it from growing further. We need to close the gap.


It’s been an educational year for me to say the least. I’ve realized that I have been a part of sustaining a problem that is and has been limiting the daily options and opportunities of everyone around me. Not only women, but men as well, as we also abide by certain norms that are not by any means logical. By not questioning the assumptions on society that I have been shown and told and taught, I have passed on norms and notions that I don’t actually believe in or that I didn’t realize could hurt other people. Because the truth when it comes to hurtful norms is this: if we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem.
"If we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem. "

I am only just starting to learn about these things and you should know that I am no expert on gender studies, feminism, psychology, social or political science. I’m just a father, husband, son and human being who wants equal opportunities for the people I love… and some 7 billion others. Many of my examples are obviously personal experiences and I'm not in any way claiming that the represent some universal truth of society. You can never use personal or individual examples to confirm or deny structures in society. I do however need to use my own experiences to explain why I started to react and think about these issues and how I from there have tried to find concrete and scientific answers.

Luckily I have had access to some wonderful people to help answer all of these questions I’ve started asking, most importantly my wife, who among other things has been a conduit into the latest psychological research and other scientific studies on these matters. I have learnt too much in short time to not want to talk about and share it, and I hope I can inspire at least some of you in this and coming posts, to maybe have a second look at things you’ve assumed your whole life. If you just dare to ask yourself some questions you never thought were relevant or needed asking, you may be surprised at the answers you find.

I used to think feminist was a dirty word. Today it is a title I hope to one day earn.

/Emil

P.S Please let me know of any factual errors in the things I write. My entire motivation for this is based on people being open to change when enlightened, and I certainly want to live as I learn in that regard.  

6 comments:

  1. Nice first blog Emil :) we discussed a lot of this before and I think we just look at things differently.
    Tax and politics: we live in a society were taxes pay for things. Personal responsibility is not really fostered in any nation in Europe any more, and even the US is moving in that direction. We all pay taxes for things we don't agree with. I am single, no kids, no debts, no car - in Sweden i paid taxes that supported maternity/paternity leave, schools, health care for children, roads etc. None of which i utilized. I don’t agree with all the things my taxes paid for. While i agree that voting to change things is hugely important, i don't think you can ever eliminate tax going to things you don't need or like. Not in a society that demands more social care and takes less and less personal responsibility.
    Star Wars: My guess is that there simply are not enough people buying star wars outfits for their little girls. There is nothing wrong with doing that, but commercially it's probably not valid to stock them. Those that want one, can easily go to the boys section. So i don't see where the problem is. Look at games. AAA titles will always be on the front shelves, smaller and lower budget titles will be at the back, and you often have to order or ask for them. I think it is your personal take on this that makes it into an issue, you see it as "sexism" (?) and inequality. I see it as commercial reality. Equality means equal opportunity – and you do have the opportunity.
    I agree with your general assessment of norm and people subconsciously following tradition (blue vs. pink etc.) but i don't agree with widening this to jobs. The reasons why women and men don't pursue certain vocations are many and can't simply be put down to "norm" and tradition. Civilian pilots mostly came out of the military after WW2, mostly men, but that has been changing. As someone who has trained pilots: like in the games industry, male students outnumber female students, despite equal opportunity. Do you know why that is? I don't. It could be down to "norm" but it could also simply be down to interest, lack of awareness or upbringing.
    I think your 976 to 0 example is probably the thing i have the biggest issue with though. I actually believe that we do need to score 1 each going forward. Allowing "the other side" (to stay with the analogy) to score 976 to catch up will only cause resentment and resistance. I think what would be much better is a clean slate. Change the score to 0 - 0 and start from scratch. Allow both sides to score. That is true equality.
    I think that’s why feminism has gotten a bad reputation. Look at Erin Pizzey, one of the earliest modern feminists. She did amazing work for women suffering abuse but as soon as she started to help men, the modern wave of feminists turned on. The problem is, there are far too many extremists (on both sides) which give a bad reputation to their agenda.
    I don't think feminism is a dirty word. But i think a lot of people use the word to mask a personal agenda which has little to do with equality. This might be a harsh statement, but i think many of these so-called feminists (men and women) use the philosophy as a platform to hide their social ineptness and personal issues. Preferring to blame a patriarchy and male dominance for failing to achieve something in their lives or, in some cases, for not even trying.
    I believe that in our times, in western society, we actually have equality (for the most part – things CAN always be better, like pay). Women can do anything they want, if they want. Women are doctors, pilots, politicians, writers and go to space.
    There will always be those who resent this. And resentment leads to extremism, on both sides.

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    1. “i don't think you can ever eliminate tax going to things you don't need or like. ”

      I have no problem with paying taxes to the social security system or other things that I don’t utilize or even like. I have a problem funding politicians that represent a party with roots in Nazism, that are caught on tape as racist, sexist, belligerent liars.. ;)

      “Star Wars: My guess is that there simply are not enough people buying star wars outfits for their little girls. Those that want one, can easily go to the boys section. So i don't see where the problem is. “

      The problem is that there is a boys section to begin with! Apart from genitalia, there is no real difference in the anatomy of boys and girls until puberty. There are not even any discernable cognitive differences between male and female infants, so why the hell would there be a boys and girls section in infant clothing? :) Infants only think of three things; Food, Sleep and Poop. Those would be more valid sections than “Boy” and “Girl”!

      “I think it is your personal take on this that makes it into an issue, you see it as "sexism" (?) and inequality. ”

      I will go into greater lengths about what I believe sexism is, but the TL:DR version is that sexism is treating someone differently purely on the basis of their gender. Having differently labelled and themed clothing, based on nothing but the gender name? Yes, very sexist.

      “As someone who has trained pilots: like in the games industry, male students outnumber female students, despite equal opportunity. Do you know why that is? I don't. It could be down to "norm" but it could also simply be down to interest, lack of awareness or upbringing. “

      It’s interesting, because the reasons you list are all based on norms! Interest = fostered by norms. When 99 out of 100 commercials, TV series, movies, magazines and real life examples of pilots that you come across growing up are men, that doesn’t exactly pique your interest as a girl. It’s a clear case of “it’s always been that way”. Lack of awareness, again, why would any female naturally think that they could be a pilot, when all the pilots they ever see are male? The male dominance is so big that a girl believing she can become a pilot is basically like a boy believing he can become the Queen of England. Upbringing kind of speaks for itself as normative.

      “I think what would be much better is a clean slate. Change the score to 0 - 0 and start from scratch. Allow both sides to score. That is true equality.“

      I would love changing the score to 0-0, but that is not a viable solution. We can’t change history unfortunately. And scoring one goal each would eventually lead to an equal society, yes, when the scores are in the realms of “5 million” to “5 million and 976”. That is a hundred years into the future however, and I don’t have that time if I want my daughter to have equal opportunities.

      “i think a lot of people use the word to mask a personal agenda which has little to do with equality. This might be a harsh statement, but i think many of these so-called feminists (men and women) use the philosophy as a platform to hide their social ineptness and personal issues. Preferring to blame a patriarchy and male dominance for failing to achieve something in their lives or, in some cases, for not even trying. I believe that in our times, in western society, we actually have equality. Women can do anything they want, if they want. ”

      On a very theoretical level I guess it could be kind of true that a woman in some countries of western society can do whatever they want (they just have to hope that there isn’t a man wanting to do the same thing. Oh and they can’t want to have children, of course). And yes, that is a pretty harsh statement. Please point me to some of these feminists who have failed or not tried to achieve something, and for each one I bet I can point you to ten who are more successful and socially adept than most. But then again, that would not prove my case any more than your statement proves yours. :)

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  2. I think at the base of it we will always disagree on this issue Emil (and i honestly hope that this will not affect our friendship - it certainly does not from my end).

    Taxes: I do have a problem with my taxes going to social security in some cases. But accept it's the society we live in. I would prefer getting my full salary and being forced to pay for my insurance and health care, as needed, for example. I understand what you mean with the right wing parties though - right wing extremism is one of the reason i left Austria and have no intention of going back.

    As i stated before, i think it's all down to perception when it comes to sexism and male dominance. You chose to see our current world as a male dominated one, and that might well be the case, but i believe it is not so because men oppress women. Women, in western society, HAVE equal rights. It is up to women to go for jobs they want. And i believe that is what the feminist movement was all about in the 60s, 70s and 80s. It is up to parents, like yourself, to bring up kids in a way that they understand equality. Society does not change over night - but this is what a lot of extreme feminists want. they want change now. IMO it is down to parents and schools to teach young people that everything is possible and gender is not an issue - because in reality gender is not an issue.

    And there is a difference between being a pilot and the queen :) Men and women can be pilots, but unless you are born into the royal family (or marry into it), you can't be king of queen - you can be prime minister though, and the UK had a woman in charge for a long time.

    As for shops having male and female sections: i believe you are being naive and you are projecting your own views and desires. Norm or not, plenty of women prefer to dress differently to men. Fashion offers that choice. There is nothing wrong with women and men dressing the same, but there is nothing wrong with them dressing differently either - people have a choice and free will.

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    1. I think we may, and I certainly don't want it to affect our friendship, if that was the case, I'd have to write off the majority of human kind from my theoretical friends list ;) Remember, I only really came to realize these things within the last year. I used to be a lot closer to you in my mindset than I am now, so it wouldn't make sense for me to patronize you for your perspective. I am a writer though, so I will always try to find snappy sentences! :)

      There may not be laws or regulations preventing women from applying for any job, but they have to be hired as well. Many studies show that people are prone to hire new employees with the same gender as themselves (regardless of what that gender is), which results in female-dominated predominately hiring females and male-dominated ones predominately hiring males. It's an evil circle that will not solve itself unless we actively intervene, for example by use of quotas. This may seem like a very non-equal thing to do, but what needs to be remembered then is that society is already using affermative action by hiring from their own gender. (And then there's the whole racist and heteronormative aspect of hiring, to boot.)

      I agree education on gender science is very much needed, but that is exactly the "change now", that feminists want. Feminists doesn't want (or at least doesn't propose) to fire all executive men and replace them with women. But to on a broad level introduce fundamental education to all areas of society in order to start dislodging these hurtful norms, that is a change that we can do right now, that will speed up the process, even if it will not mean a complete turnaround overnight.

      Pilot/Queen: That's not my point. My point is that expectations of a female growing up to become a female pilot is extremely low, because there is almost no indication or representation of female pilots. If I'm not told that something is an option, how can I want it?

      Shops, you are missing my main point. We are talking infants here. I have no problem with women or men wanting to dress however they want. But these are infants! There is no difference whatsoever between boy and girl infants that would warrant different sections, and different styles, colors or prints on their clothes, and they have no opinion or preference in the matter whatsoever. It's basically like having different sections in Men's clothing for people who are named "John" and people who are named "Frank".

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  3. Thank you for that response. I liked your original blog post, but this was even better! :-)

    How do you respond to the everyday benevolent sexism that your daughter meets? My daughter is one year old, and it always gives me a sinking feeling to hear people tell her how pretty and nice she is. Even worse, I also think of her as pretty and nice and mild-mannered, because she is, but I wonder how I would have interpreted and described these characteristics if she would have been a boy? Surely, her personality is not only about being cute! It makes me really sad to think that I help define her this way.

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    1. Well, so far I've not really told anyone off, if you don't count this blog. ;) Usually we immediately follow up others comments with our own, so if someone tells my daughter she has a pretty outfit, we follow up with something less superficial, like asking if it is comfortable or affirming that its great clothing for playing in. Or simply pointing out an actual concrete feature of her outfit, such as; "wow, look at all those colors".

      It's absolutely ok for a parent to think that their kids are pretty and nice, I'm pretty sure that is actually genetically embedded in us :) What's important is to make the right choice in what you acknowledge about your child and what they get attention for. When my daughter comes up to me and says "look dad, I'm wearing this!", she just wants my attention and doesn't really understand the concept of fashion or that there is value in appearance. However, if every time she seeks my attention, I answer her saying that she's "pretty", then she will learn that dressing up to be pretty will get her my attention. If I instead comment on the actual properties of her clothing, or simply asks her if she likes them and what she likes about them - giving her the same attention but without putting any superficial value in my words, I'm rewarding her actions and not her appearance. I'll go into more depths on this in a future post however, so stay tuned :)

      And of course you can't uphold this at all times, because there will always be times when you are not around and she will get this kind of normative attention from elswhere in society. The first time our daughter came home from daycare saying "look dad, I have a dress. I'm pretty", I wanted to bang my head against a wall. Instead I put on a dress of my own, agreed that they were awesome for dancing and danced together with her in the livingroom for a while. Then we played astronaut queens.

      When you really do want to affirm her appearance (and anyones really, young or adult), I suggest that you always base it on your own emotions. Don't say "You are so pretty in that dress". Say "I like that dress." Don't say "Thanks for the painting, it's really pretty". Say "I like this painting, it makes me really happy".

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